I am not one to blog my feelings or thoughts. Heck, I don’t even know if what I am doing is considered “blogging” but if I don’t get these things off of my chest and put somewhere then I’m going to completely fall apart so here goes.
For the last several months I have felt empty inside, like something was missing. I tried to fill it up with many things. I pretty much tripled my Anime and Video Game collection to the point where I don’t know how I am ever going to beat all my games. They are all JRPGs so they take 30+ hours to beat. I thought that would help give me some closure, but that plan really hasn’t worked out.
I haven’t been to a track practice since mid February when I ripped my hamstring up during a race and thats when it started to happen. I don’t think it was because I missed track. Really I think it was because of the lack of something to keep my mind on for three hours everyday. With track gone it gave me much more time to think.
What was I missing? Why was I so depressed all the time? Why did I feel lonely while in a sea of people everyday? The answer is so simple that I’m stupid for not realizing it sooner (my wallet would have thanked me for that). I still miss her, I miss her so much. Last May my girlfriend, or rather ex-girlfriend, broke it off with me after I thought that we were getting along so well. It was 9 months and 1 day when she did it. I have never loved and cared for someone like her in all my life. I have never cried because of something that someone did to me ever. For the first time in my life I completely shut down to the world.
I have tried and tried again to get her out of my mind. There were problems to that though. When we first started dating we went to separate colleges, only 30 min apart but still different worlds. So, after approx 7 months I decided to try and get into her school so that we could be together more often. You can see how well that plan worked out for me.
Problem 2 is I am now really good friends with her former roommate. It’s not her fault but lately when I see her I just remember 9 months of things that I am trying to get rid of. Recently I’ve been somewhat avoiding her and everyone else, hiding in my room after classes so that I don’t have to deal with the pain of the world.
Last September I started dating another girl. That ended mid-November though. I wasn’t hurt by her dumping me seeing as we only dated for a month and a half. What really stung was when it was over, all it did was reopen wounds I had thought were healed up. Since then I have not ever been myself. I have my really good days where I actually enjoy life, and then I have my bad days where I put on a fake smile so that the world can’t figure out if anythings wrong.
I guess this will be my fate until I can finally get over her for good. Easier said than done though, cause even after all the hurt, even after not being in contact with her since July, even after all the Shit I have had to deal with, I still love her and I would still welcome her again with open arms. I miss her and thats all there is to it.
